Scars
by theQueenofSaviors
Summary: Emma and Regina in college. Emma finds out how painful it can be to love a self-destructive individual like Regina Mills.
Nobody ever said loving Regina Mills would be easy.

Yet none of the warnings, none of the signs, could have prepared me for how heart wrenching, painful, and downright devastating it would be to love her.

I met Regina at a party.

I was a freshman and my cousin Ruby had invited me to a sorority party.

The party had been wild and loud and sometime during the night I had lost my cousin to a guy named Peter. After unsuccessfully locating Ruby, I ended up resting against a wall with a drink in my hand, the sorority house had been full of college students making it hard to see anything in the swarm of people but then, as if faith had decided, the sea of students parted and my eyes locked on a gorgeous brunet across from me.

I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She wore a pencil tight skirt and a blouse with the top buttons undone, helping showcase her lumpatious breast.

Everything began to fade; the noise, the music, and the people. Nothing else seemed to register except the sexy brunet across from me with an arm draped around a blonde girl. They were taking shots and licking salt off each other's necks. The blonde girl shamelessly pressed her body against Regina and the brunet placed her hand on the girl's ass possessively. I found myself unable to look away from the scene in front of me.

It was obvious they were both drunk but the blonde girl seemed to be more inebriated than Regina. I watched as they took hold of another shot glass and downed it, the blonde girl winced at the taste and Regina drank it like it was water. If I had been looking for any warnings that would have been my first sign.

I don't know how long I stayed like that, invading their private moment with my gaze but it wasn't until a drunk football player stumbled in front of me yelling nonsense did Regina finally glanced my direction.

When our eyes met time seemed to halt and what I saw in those eyes ignited something inside of me. Her brown eyes were clouded with lust but beyond the drunken haze I could see pain, so much pain in those hazy brown eyes.

Before I could process the sudden intrusion of emotions, I nervously watched as Regina disentangled herself from the blonde girl and strode directly to me. My eyes trailed her form as she sauntered towards me. When my eyes reached her face she wore a smug grin.

"Regina Mills." She said standing inches from me.

My brain was still trying to catch up and I stood there with my mouth agape until her sultry voice brought me back to the present.

"This is where you introduce yourself, dear." Her chuckle vibrated louder than the music.

"Emma Swan." I introduced myself while looking over her shoulder. The blonde girl was shooting daggers our direction. "Weren't you with that blonde girl over there?"

"Jealous?"

"Excuse me?" I said indignantly.

"You should have just told me you wanted me." She had said while she openly ogled my body.

I remember feeling so shocked at her forward behavior and cocky attitude but before I could retaliate with a comment Ruby had come over and snatched me away from Regina.

"Ruby, what is your problem?" I said astounded by my cousin's actions.

"Stay away from Regina Mills." She had warned me. "She's trouble and nothing good ever comes from being with Regina." Her voice was desperate and her eyes pleading but my cousin didn't know that her warning only perked my interest even more.

I found myself spending most of the night searching for Regina, the desire to make sure the brunet was okay was overwhelming.

My fruitless search came to an end when the consumption of five beers led me to a nearby bathroom. To my surprise, I ended up finding Regina snorting cocaine in the bathroom.

I had opened the bathroom door just as Regina was throwing her head back, inhaling the white powder into her nose. The sight of an exquisite woman like Regina doing drugs in the bathroom made me think of a flower being set on fire. She was rubbing her teeth with her finger when she caught sight of me in the bathroom mirror. She smirked and turned around to face me.

"Want a quickie Emma?" She had purred and I swear my knees would have collapse under the intense stare if I hadn't been holding on to the door knob.

"Of course not."

She had looked so high and wasted yet she was still more beautiful than any sober woman I had ever set eyes on.

"How about I take you out tomorrow? Say around six." She said with a grin firmly plastered on her face.

Regina embodied so much confidence but her half lidded blood shot eyes told another story, a story of a girl screaming out for attention. I really wasn't thinking of Ruby's warning nor was I taking her behavior that night into consideration. All I was thinking about was how a mysteries gorgeous woman had just asked me out and I wasn't going to say no.

You see when Regina wanted something, she always got it. Maybe it was the way she said things that left no room for argument or maybe it was her demeanor which made even the bravest of souls quiver under her presences; the bottom line was Regina Mills always got her way.

So against my better judgment I went on a date with Regina Mills; the unattainable, playgirl, rich, popular, and self-destructive Regina Mills. Dating Regina was unconventional to say the least. You see her mother is Cora Mills, high acclaimed self-pronounced millionaire Cora, and if I didn't know how rich Regina was before our date, I sure did know after.

At around six o'clock a limo was parked in front of my dorm building and next to it stood Regina dressed in a very elegant black dressed which accentuated her curves quite nicely. On our first date she took me to one of the finest restaurants in Boston and we dined and danced our night away.

The days that followed Regina was the definition of a perfect date and I couldn't see what Ruby had warned me against. As far as I was concerned Regina Mills was smart, devoting, and caring but it didn't take long until I began to see the cracks in her façade. On our eight date she presented me with a fake ID, which she had made for me, and took me to a bar where she proceeded to get drunk and flirt with the waitress.

Yet for some unknown reason I continued to date the brunet even if most of our time was spent at bars and college parties. I could see something in Regina nobody else dared or cared to see because behind the drinking, partying, and drugs was a woman full of love waiting for someone to save her from her self-destructive behaviors. She was like a puzzle whose pieces weren't well put together and if someone just took the time to rearrange them, the end result would be a beautiful picture. I wanted to be the one to glue her pieces back together.

But while I presented my heart on a silver platter, Regina remained a closed book. During our early weeks of dating I couldn't get the woman to share anything about herself. It quickly became apparent I was dating a stranger but it was the mystery which drew me in. I wanted to be the one to break down her walls.

It wasn't until our first night together that I got a glimpse into Regina's past. I was laying on the bed exhausted from our intense, passionate, and earth shattering love session when I saw her scars. Her back was a canvas of marks and burns and when I questioned her about it her answer was, "My mother is a real bitch."

The thought of a small innocent helpless Regina cowering in fear from her mother only fueled my need to protect and save her.

We dated for six weeks, neither one of asking anything more serious from the other, until one night at a fraternity party I found her leaning too close to a blonde sorority girl. Regina whispered something into her ear making the girl blush and when the girl lightly touched Regina's arm, I snapped. I stormed over to them and pulled Regina away from the girl. I dragged the brunet outside and my anger intensified when I saw lipstick on Regina's neck.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I yelled outside the fraternity house causing some people to glance our way.

"I should be asking you the same thing. You are the one acting like a crazy girlfriend." She barked.

"I can't believe you would just flirt with someone else! How do you think that makes me feel?!" I had been so angry at her for making me feel like I was nothing, like I could be so easily discarded and it angered me further when she wore a look of indifference.

"I don't want to deal with your shit." She pushed past me.

"I want us to be official." I had said hoping that by making her my girlfriend things would change. She would change. Things would get better.

There was a long pause from her side. She stood shock still with her back towards me. I could see the tension on her shoulder and as minutes beat by I began to lose hope of ever getting the brunet to agree.

"Fine." She said and left me out in the cold without a second glance.

I thought if I was able to tie down Regina Mills she would somehow stop flirting with girls. She would stop drinking and doing drugs. I really shouldn't have expected for anything to change when we made it official. I shouldn't have believed Regina would miraculously change over night because those sort of things only existed in my dreams.

Hot and cold, fire and ice, is the only way I can describe being with Regina. One second she was attentive and sweet and the next she was cold and hurtful. The night after the fraternity party she came over to my dorm with flowers and a necklace, at the end of the necklace hung a swan wearing a crown. She properly asked me to be her girlfriend over a candle lite dinner, I was ecstatic but the happiness didn't last long, it never did with her because Regina destroyed everything she touched.

The next night I found myself at a party searching for my girlfriend only to open an unlocked door and find Regina in between another girls legs. I was devastated.

With tears in my eyes, I ran out of the party and faintly heard Regina screaming out my name as she ran after me. "Emma!"

Stopping dead in my tracks, I turned around to face Regina and shoved her backwards with my hand. "Why?! I thought you cared about me and I find you with some other girl."

"Oh come on babe. I was just eating her out it didn't mean anything. I didn't let her touch me." She slurred and there was no remorse on her face. There was no guilt, there was nothing in her eyes which made me believe she cared. Her face and eyes were void of any emotions yet I convinced myself I saw a spark of light in the depths of her blood shot eyes.

"I can believe you! You're drunk." But really it shouldn't have come as a surprise because Regina Mills was always drunk. She was always high. "You think just because she didn't touch you it makes everything better. Fuck you!"

"If we fucked more often I wouldn't need another girl." She spat but the second those words came out of her mouth I saw the look of regret on her face and the spark of light I convinced myself I saw earlier made itself known.

I turned to leave but stopped when I felt her hand on my arm.

"Wait", she swayed, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." She promised.

But it did happen again, it happened so many times I lost count and in order to spare myself pain I began to ignore the hickeys on her neck or the love bites on her shoulder. I would walk the other way whenever I saw her leaning too close to some random girl.

"Why should I believe you?" I asked through sobs.

"Because I love you."

I had crashed my lips against hers because I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe she loved me and would never hurt me again. I wanted to believe that her love for me would make her stop drinking, doing drugs, and cheating but my love was never enough. I was never enough.

After that incident, Regina was very attentive to my feelings even going so far as staying home with me and watching a movie instead of going out and getting plastered or high but of course it didn't last long. It never did with her. By weeks end, I found myself at a bar watching my girlfriend whisper sweet nothings into some random girls ear.

It didn't take long until I started comparing myself to every single one of the girls she flirted with. I kept asking myself what they had that I didn't. Why wasn't I enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I not pretty enough? Was I too boring? My self-esteem had been so tarnished by Regina that I couldn't see that there was nothing wrong with me, it was my girlfriend the one with the problem.

Because Regina had internal demons that nobody could chase away but her. She had extreme flaws that weren't easily fixable. She had bad habits which caused her to go into the emergency room in the middle of the night.

It had been a Saturday night when I received a phone call at two in the morning telling me that Regina was in the emergency room. I had rushed over there and was met with a very worried Doctor. He explained how Regina's maid had found her passed out in the bathroom. She had almost overdose on cocaine.

I shakenly walked into the room they were keeping Regina. She was hooked up to IV's and although she heard me enter she had refused to look at me.

"Please stop doing this to yourself." I had begged.

"Just go home Emma."

"I love you Regina. I can't just ignore what's going on. Not anymore."

"I can promise you I will never do it again. I can tell you to flush the rest of my stash but we both know I will be lying because the second I leave this hospital I will go back to snorting cocaine, drinking, and doing whatever the fuck I want because that's who I am. That's the person you love Emma." She still didn't look at me.

"It doesn't have to be."

"Just go home Emma."

I fucking hated her for pushing me. I hated her for doing this to herself. I hated her for putting us through this. I wanted nothing more than to pull her away from the ledge. I wanted that woman I only got glimpses of. Those rare moments when Regina was sober and she looked at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. Her smile lite up a room and her eyes sparkled with delight. I wanted that Regina, the one who was painful to look at because it showed me what I could have but never would.

My freshman year ended and I went back home with my mom for the summer while Regina had stayed in Boston. We spoke sparely and sent text messages, that's how our first summer apart went.

There were days when I wouldn't even get a single text from her but I knew better than to question her whereabouts. I could have asked but her answers would have been filled with lies. She probably would have told me that she was busy spending time with her dad or sister and avoiding her mother. She would have told me how she was catching up with her friends. Yes all those lies would have made me feel better but I knew better. The truth was, she was too busy getting high and drunk. Too busy fucking a girl every night.

"I don't like what this relationship is doing to you Em." Ruby had surprised me with her words during movie night.

Unable to bare my cousins disappointing stare my eyes had remained glued to the small screen in my living room while I listened to Ruby's ragged breaths. .

"Emma..", there was disappointment and pain in her voice. "She not stable."

"Leave it alone Ruby." I had snapped angrily. I had been furious with her for judging me.

I had stormed away from Ruby that night. I wasn't ready to face the truth.

The new school year started shortly after my confrontation with Ruby, I moved back into the dorms and I was lucky enough to get a one bedroom. The lack of a roommate had Regina staying over more often. It was an unspoken fact between us that I wasn't allowed to spend the night at Regina's place. For reasons, only Regina knew.

Our sex life became more active because of our new fond freedom and I even started to notice Regina cheating less often. I foolishly thought I could keep her from straying if I slept with her more often. Even on nights I didn't want to have sex, I did it because I knew it would keep her in my bed and away from somebody else's.

Regina and I never made love, we had sex. It was rough and intense. It was never tender and sweet. She never looked me in the eyes during, maybe she was too afraid of what I might see.

Our increased sex life meant Regina would spend the night more and that's when I realized Regina was never truly free of her demons. Most nights the brunet would wake up with a start and covered in a cold sweat. She would never talk about her dreams, she would just tell me to go back to sleep but I could tell her dreams cut her deeply.

Sometimes late at night I would hear her snorting coke in my bathroom in order to prevent herself from sleeping but instead of questioning her about it, I pretended not to hear it. I would pretend not to notice when Regina would get a burst of energy out of nowhere. I would pretend not to notice when there was some residue left over on her nose. I would pretend not to notice when she would crash from her binge and sleep for an entire day. While at the beginning of our relationship I would face the problem straight on, towards the end I simply ignore it to save myself the pain.

I became really good at ignoring things that after a while I began to fool myself into thinking Regina was getting better because I wouldn't "notice" anything out of the ordinary.

It was a dangerous game we were playing

On our one year anniversary in Regina fashion she took me to a very expensive restaurant where we danced the night away and she whispered nothing but sweet promises, only for it to be followed with Regina taking me to a sleazy bar so she could buy some coke.

It had begun as a magically night but it ended in a nightmare.

I remember that night so well. I had been by the bar waiting for Regina to finish talking to her dealer when a guy sat next to me and offered to buy me a drink. He told me he thought I was beautiful. I had been taken back by such a sweet offer that I didn't decline it, in retrospect I should have known better than to accept a drink from another guy while I waited for my really drugged up girlfriend to come back.

Before I knew what was happening, the guy's nose was bloody and I was being dragged away from the bar and shoved into Regina's car.

"Regina." I had said.

"Don't talk." She gritted through her teeth.

I had never seen Regina so angry and it had terrified me beyond belief. The drive back to the dorms was short and Regina dragged me up the stairs the entire way.

She pushed me inside my dorm and I swirled around to face her, feeling my own insides boiling. "Now who is acting like the jealous girlfriend?" I spat.

That was the first time I learned not to defy Regina. She took me by my hair and dragged me to the bed and threw me on it while she pinned me down with her body. She wrapped her hands around my wrist, painfully, and leaned mere inches from my face. "You belong to me. Do you understand?" Her eyes pore into mine and all I could do was nod.

"Only I can fuck you. Only I can finger your tight pussy. Understand?" She raised her eyebrow and I gulped at the lethal look. The fire in her eyes rendered me momentarily paralyzed. My heart beat frantically inside my chest. Her eyes were dilated from probably snorting too much cocaine. I knew she wasn't in the right mind frame. The grip on my wrist intensified and I yelp out in pain and nodded at her question.

We began to struggle on the bed as she yanked my clothes off and forced her fingers inside of me while I cried out in pain, I rationalized it as her being under the influence. As she bruised my wrist by her tight grip. As she made me bleed slightly by forcing four fingers inside of me. As she had her way with me without listening to my pleas for her to stop. As she left me on my bed bleeding and bruised, I forgave her because I reasoned she never would have done such a thing if she wasn't high.

I made a lot of excuse for Regina. I never had her face any repercussions for her behavior, I think that's why Regina continued on her path of self-destruction.

The next day I woke up to the smell of pancakes and coffee. A very sober and guilty looking Regina stood next to my bed with some roses and a stuff bear. I got out of bed and kissed her sweetly on the lips. She took it as a sign saying I forgave her. Which I had. I always forgave her at the expense of my own sanity.

I had been so wrapped up in Regina I began to neglect my friends and school. It didn't take long for Ruby to notice the change in my behavior. I rarely went out with my friends. I didn't laugh or smile like I used to. I was drowning in my relationship with Regina but I was so in love I couldn't see how far I had fallen.

Ruby would beg me to leave Regina. She would bargain with me. She would try everything in order to convince me to leave the brunet but I didn't budge. I was convinced I was going to change Regina. I believed with all my heart that my love for her, that her love for me, our love would save her but it never did.

The drinking and drugs seemed to intensify towards the end of the year. I was amazed Regina was even able to pass all her classes since she rarely showed up to them and spent most of her time indulging in bad habits. My sophomore year came to an end and Regina and I went to a party being thrown by her friend to celebrate the end of the year. I already knew what to expect. We would arrive together and then some time during the night I would lose Regina and find her in a bedroom with some random girl.

But that night didn't turn out to be like any other night. I did end up losing Regina half way through the night. I was searching for her while Ruby trailed behind me telling me to forget about Regina. Telling me not to search for Regina because I won't like what I might find but I ignored her and after asking around, someone told me they saw her going back to the dorms.

I raced back to my dorm, my lungs burned from the lack of oxygen, but I didn't stop running until I reached my building. My stomach dropped at the sight of a small figure on top of the building because deep down in my gut, I knew without a shred of a doubt that the small figure was Regina. I took the elevator all the way to the top, tapping my foot impatiently and biting my nails all the while thinking the worse. When I got to the roof top I searched around and found Regina laid out on the ledge of the building drinking out of a bottle of whiskey.

I remember being so scared she would roll over and fall of the edge. "Regina?"

"Emma. How did I know you would find me?" She chuckled darkly while taking another swing from her drink. "You must be relieved that you didn't find me between another girls legs." She laughed and sat up.

"Relieved isn't exactly the word I would use right now." I said and cautiously stepped forward. I was terrified of making a wrong move. I was frightened beyond belief. "Why don't you come over here with me?" I gestured and she chuckled.

"Are you afraid I'm going to jump?" She sneered. "I will admit the thought did cross my mind." She took another swing of her bottle.

"Regina. Please." I begged her while she swayed near the ledge

"Why are you with me?" She asked and there were tears in her eyes. There was so much remorse, so many feelings behind those tears. I was taken back by the raw emotions.

"I love you." Was my answer because I did love her. I loved her with everything I had and I wanted nothing more than to save her.

"Why? I treat you like shit." She spat and took another swing from her bottle. "I cheat on you. I know you notice even though you pretend you don't. I fucking raped you." She started to sob. "How can you love me? I am not the type of person anyone should love!" Her chest contracted with every sob, her mascara was running, her eyes were puffy, and her nose was red and still she allude so much beauty it made my eyes sore. It was a deathly sort of beauty, it was the type of beauty you know you shouldn't touch because its poison would seep into you but you couldn't help but want to hold it. Then the night became silent and she was looking at me like I was an angel sent from the heavens. The hard exterior around her eyes soften and her tears began to dry. "You are this amazing girl, kind and sweet. You have a big heart. You are the best fucking girlfriend anyone could ask for. I don't deserve you", she choked out and started to cry again.

"You weren't you when you did those things." I said and took a step closer to her.

She snorted bitterly and took another swing from her bottle.

"Would you stop drinking?!" I shouted afraid that if she got more intoxicated she might stumble backwards.

"Does this bother you Emma?" She held the bottle up. "Because this is what I do. I drink to forget. I drink to forget what my mother use to do to me. I drink to forget how my dad would just stand there while she beat me. I love him so much and he promised to protect me yet he would turn a blind eye to my mom's punishments. He left me in the hands of a sadistic woman. He would pretend not to notice all the bruises or burns. I use to put a chair in front of my door hoping it would keep her out at night but she always found a way into my bedroom, into my bed." Regina was bare, naked in front of me and I was so caught up with fear I didn't know how to respond to her sudden exposure.

I was sobbing then. I couldn't bear to see Regina in so much pain.

"She hated me the second she gave birth to me. I wasn't the daughter she wanted! I was a mistake!" Her body shook and her lips trembled and my hands twitched wanting to comfort her but I knew my act of compassion would only be met with one of resilience. "I'm not Zelena. She's the perfect daughter with the perfect life, the perfect husband, and the perfect kids and I am Regina, the fucked up daughter with a drug and drinking problem. I am the daughter she would molest at night. I am the secret she wants to keep hidden because she is disgusted with herself and she hates me for it. That's how she always looks at me!" She rushed towards me and screamed, making me jump slightly while I simultaneously let out a sigh of relief at seeing her far away from the ledge.

"She doesn't love me. She never has and she never will and yet I did everything in my power to please her and for what? So she could abuse me. Hit me with her belt and burn my back with her cigarettes. Beat me until I laid in a pool of my own blood and had to be rushed to the hospital" She wouldn't stop crying as she bored her heart out to me and all I could do was stand there and watch it happen. "I am fucked up Emma. I can't make anyone happy."

"You make me happy." I said and reached out to her but she pulled away and stepped back to the ledge and kept on drinking out of that damn bottle. "You do!" I screamed hoping it would bring her back closer to me.

"Stop lying to me! I don't make you happy. I can't make anyone happy. Villains don't get happy ending." She had whispered.

"Is that what you think? You think you are a villain. Regina the world isn't full of heroes or villains. We all make mistakes, we learn and evolve from them, but that's what makes us human. We are all just lost and walking aimlessly but I am here with you every step of the way. I love you."

"You don't love me. Girls like you don't love girls like me."

"Girls like me shouldn't love girls like you but we do." I said truthfully and time stood still as she searched my eyes.

"Being with me won't be easy."

"I know and I wouldn't have it any other way."

Looking back on that dreadful night, I should have done more. I should have flushed all her drugs. I should have hide all the alcohol. I should have checked her into rehab. I should have begged her to see a therapist. I should have done so much more but instead I did what I always did best and ignored it. The morning after, Regina woke up and acted like nothing had happened the night before. There was no mention of her breakdown as I listened to her snort some coke in the bathroom.

My sophomore and her junior year ended and instead of going back home with our parents, Ruby, Regina and I had decided to rent out a two bedroom near campus. Ruby was hesitant at first since she didn't like Regina but at the end she agreed and we moved into a lavish two bedroom.

Things seemed to be going well, as well as expected, until one night when Ruby wasn't home Regina had arrived home from visiting her family. I could tell something was bothering the brunet but she wouldn't tell me.

She was high on coke and a little drunk. I knew better then to push her buttons when she was like that but I continued to pester her about what happened with her mother.

"Drop it Emma." She had warned me while going into the kitchen to pour herself a drink.

"I think you've had enough to drink tonight."

"Don't tell me what to do." Her eyes were dangerous but I didn't care, I wanted answers and I was frustrated. I had reached my breaking point that night and instead of submitting like I always did I pushed back. I was hell bent on making her walls collapse that night.

"What happened with your mother?"

A look of fury rose in her eyes unlike anything I had seen before. I knew better than to bring up her mother but that night I was tired of being her punching bag. I was tired of always being in the side-line while she played our relationship however she wanted. I was simply tired.

"I said drop it!" She threw her glass of whisky against the wall. The glass shattered into hundred pieces.

"Fuck Regina! Why can't you just talk to me like a normal person?" I asked and knew instantly it was the wrong thing to say.

The pain that radiated from my face was unbearable. My jaw hurt as I flexed it from my spot on the floor. My eyes were blurry from the tears that were forming. I held my cheek as I looked up at a very furious Regina Mills. She stepped closer to me and I crawled backwards afraid of getting hit again.

This seemed to snap her out of whatever daze she had been in. "Emma", she had whispered and put a trembling hand over her mouth. I coward on the floor and the last thing I saw was a blur of my girlfriend leaving after she had laid her hands on me.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I kept on wondering how I got myself to that point. I use to be different. I use to think I was the type of girl that would never be with someone that would hit them.

I never did find out why Regina had been so upset that night.

The next day Regina didn't arrive with flowers, or jewelry, or breakfast. She didn't apologize. She didn't try to win me back.

I woke up to the sound of her rummaging through our drawers.

I opened my eyes to the sight of my girlfriend throwing clothes into a luggage.

"What are you doing?" I asked, fearing the worse. "Are you leaving me?" I had choked. I felt pathetic, crying over someone who had cheated, raped, and hit me.

"I am leaving but I am not leaving you." She explained while continuing to throw clothes into a luggage.

"Where are you going?" I pulled my knees up to my chin, feeling so little and scared. Regina Mills was all I had known for over a year and the thought of not having her was daunting because sometime during that year, my life was no longer my own but Regina's. I was so dependent on the brunet, I couldn't function without her. I didn't know what life was like without her.

"What I did last night-", she had paused and I sat there as a spectator while Regina battled with her emotions. "That never should have happened. I never should have let it get this far."

"It wasn't you, you weren't yourself it was my fault for pushing you." I quickly defended her.

She stopped packing and looked at me with shock. Her eyes were wide with disbelief. She tilted her head and examined me under a microscope. I felt so vulnerable while she scrutinized me. "I hit you Emma. I hit you and you are blaming yourself. No." She shook her head and began to pack again. "I can't even look at myself in the mirror after that. I can't live with myself."

"Regina you are scaring me." I said thinking the brunet was going to do something drastic.

"I am checking myself into rehab." And there were the words I have been craving for. There was the sign I have been looking for since we started dating. When she uttered those words, it was like all my wishes had been answered. In that moment, I thought it was the beginning of something better.

I drove her to the rehab clinic and she stayed there for ninety days and was only allowed visitors on Saturdays. I never missed a visitation day. The first Saturday I was allowed to see her she looked like she had gone through hell and back but each proceeding Saturday I saw improvement. By the fifth Saturday the change was more noticeable, she was more alive, her smile reached her eyes, and she even laughed in ways I had never heard.

After ninety days, she was released just in time for the new school year.

The Regina Mills after rehab was the Regina Mills I always knew she could be. It was the Regina Mills I had only got glimpses of but was too scared to indulge in. She was compassionate. She was sweet, caring, and loving. She took pleasure in the simple things in life.

She would surprise me with picnics in the park. She would hold my hands while she softly kissed me on the lips in the middle of the street. She would gaze into my eyes with so much love and devotion I needed to remind myself it wasn't a dream.

The Regina Mills after rehab would make love to me tenderly. She would allow me to look her in the eyes while we touched and kissed our way into nirvana.

And in return, I slowly began to become Emma again. I started laughing again. I started smiling. I would spend more time with friends. I saw my grades improve. I started to enjoy life again.

Regina and I no longer hung out at parties and bars. I no longer had to step inside a fraternity or sorority house fearing how my heart would break that night. I no longer feared catching Regina with another girl. I no longer heard her snorting cocaine in our bathroom. I no longer had to sleep next to an intoxicated Regina.

Regina even made new friends who challenged her to be a better person. She took up riding lessons and even bonded with a horse named Rocinante. I had never seen her so young and free. She was no longer the Regina who the moon set on instead it was the Regina the sun rose from.

It lasted approximately three months and twenty days.

I didn't see it coming. I think that's the worst part. Since her release from rehab, I saw a change in her that sparked so much hope inside of me. I thought the cheating, drugs, and alcohol were behind us. I thought our love had beat whatever demons recited inside of her. I thought our love had won out.

Three months and twenty days after returning from rehab, I found Regina on our bed with a needle in her arm.

I had rushed to her side all the while screaming at Ruby to call an ambulance. I took the needle out and felt for a pulse but found none. Somewhere, in the mist of all the jumble thoughts in my head, I remembered my training in CPR. I was crying hysterically as I began CPR on Regina. Her body laid lifeless on our bed and all I could picture was Regina smiling while the sun rose behind her and the birds sang us a morning tune. All I could picture was Regina laughing freely as she rode Rocinante through the open field. All I could picture was Regina in my arms telling me she loved me.

I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. Even after fifteen minutes of no pulse, I couldn't let go of her. I couldn't let go of the woman who stormed into my life and turned it upside down. I couldn't let go of the woman who taught me love wasn't without pain. I couldn't let go of the woman who promise me forever only to now lay dead on the same bed we would make love on.

It wasn't until Ruby pulled me away from Regina's body did I finally stop trying to bring my girlfriend back from the dead.

When the ambulance arrived, they told me what I already knew. They pronounced Regina dead at 11:04 am on December 4.

I wasn't able to save Regina.

My love didn't vanish her demons.

I didn't turn out to be some savior.

I was delusional to think I could break down her well-constructed walls. The truth was, she had spent years reinforcing every layer and it would have taken a whirlwind to break them down.

I see her every time I close my eyes. She's in every breath I take. She's in the eyes that stare back at me. She's in every dream I have. Every fiber in me cries for her touch. All my thoughts are haunted by her image.

Nobody ever said loving Regina Mills would be easy.

It was never easy. It was excruciating. It was heart breaking. It was draining.

It tore me from the inside. It pulled me apart only to reassemble me in all the wrong places.

But falling in love with Regina was the easiest thing I have ever done.


End file.
